


Not Exactly Warriors

by ChibiYoda



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cameos by Thor and Natasha, Crack, M/M, Science Boyfriends, Silly, This Is My Ship and It Has Wrecked Me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 10:56:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2107206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChibiYoda/pseuds/ChibiYoda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a submission on the Tumblr blog Avengersheadcannons: </p>
<p>"Thor once brought home tea leaves for Bruce from Asgard. It took two cups and one very long night to realize they were hallucinogenic to Midgardians.</p>
<p>-i-cant-believe-its-not-canon"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Exactly Warriors

**Author's Note:**

> An homage to two of my (many, many) favorite things about Bruce...his big hands, and that rug on his chest.
> 
> Also, kudos to anyone who spots the Futurama reference.
> 
> Caution: This ship is sailing into cracky waters...

It started out as another ordinary day at the tower, made a little less ordinary by a visit from Thor. He had a gift for Bruce. The talking walls told him that Bruce and Tony could be found in Bruce's lab.

 

"Seriously?" Tony cocked an eyebrow at the demigod. "I didn't have you pegged as a tea drinker."

"Aye. On my world, the brew of leaves is considered a warrior's drink. Knowing that Banner is fond of your earthly 'tea', I believed he might enjoy our version." Thor explained, as he handed Bruce a beautifully engraved wooden box, the size of a paperback novel.

"Thank you Thor. That's very kind of you." Bruce replied, admiring the container. "I look forward to trying it tonight."

While Tony pretended not to care, Thor gave Bruce an overview on approximately how much to use, and how long to let it steep, before he had to take his leave.

 

After dinner that evening, Bruce and Tony decided to relax and watch a movie. Now was Bruce's chance to indulge in some of Thor's present.

It smelled wonderful, unlike anything Bruce had come across before. Even Tony, who vehemently abhorred all forms of tea, (except the iced tea mix that comes out of a can, which Bruce argues isn't tea at all, but Tony likes it) was intrigued enough by the aroma to venture a taste. So Bruce carried two mugs of the tea, plus a bag of pretzels for serial-muncher Tony, into the living room. They settled in, and started up the movie.

Bruce was the first to try the beverage. His eyes lit up, and he nodded his approval to Tony, who took the cue.

"Mmmm." Tony was pleasantly surprised. "This is great. Nothing like the swill you drink."

Bruce rolled his eyes, but had to agree that it certainly was delicious.

They emptied their mugs in no time. "How 'bout another?" Bruce motioned to Tony's mug.

"Yeah, yeah. Sounds good." Tony nodded. And kept nodding.

"Ok Tony, I get it." Bruce took the empty mug from Tony's hand, and got up to head to the kitchen. He had to pause for a moment to steady himself. "Geez, got up too fast. Headrush."

Tony chuckled at him, then began pressing buttons on the remote until one of them paused the film.

 

After a short time Bruce was on his way back to the living room with the second round of tea, when Tony called to him. "Bruuuce...this is boring...nothing's happening."

"That's because you have it paaaused." he replied, trying to mimic Tony's whine. He handed Tony his mug and reclaimed his spot on the sofa, while Tony unpaused the movie.

They were attempting to follow the film, but seemed to be having trouble concentrating. It's especially difficult to watch a movie when Tony decides that pretzels resemble brass knuckles. He placed his fingers through them, then playfully punched Bruce in the shoulder. He was quite disappointed when pieces of pretzel went flying in all directions.

This prompted Bruce to proclaim that the pretzels were no longer safe with Tony. He reached out to take the bag from him, but hesitated in shock, his eyes wide. "Dude, my hands are huge!"

Tony laughed. "Your hands are always huge!"

"But now they're huger!" Bruce gazed at his hands, turning them back and forth in front of his face.

Tony was still laughing at Bruce, when suddenly his mouth fell open. He stared at Bruce for a second before he declared, "Forget about your hands...you should see what's happening on your chest!"

On instinct, Bruce began to bat at his shirt with his oversized hands. It was a button down, with the top few buttons undone. "What? What?"

An astonished Tony tried to explain. "That hair...on your chest...it's everywhere! You're going all Cousin It on us!"

Bruce's normally abundant chest hair seemed to be growing at an alarming rate. Bruce tore off his shirt, and kept brushing at his skin. "Make it stop!"

Tony was no help whatsoever. He was too busy attempting to braid Bruce's chest.

***

Natasha used a foot to poke at Tony's side, and he let out a groan. "They're alive.", she announced plainly.

Clint was taking pictures of Tony and Bruce sprawled out on the living room floor. There were pretzel crumbs everywhere, Bruce was shirtless, and for some reason Tony was clutching a hairbrush.

Bruce could hear voices, and slowly opened his eyes. He rolled his head to the side, and met Tony's gaze. "What happened?", he managed to croak.

Tony did his best to focus on Bruce's face. "Dunno...but I know what's gonna happen...I'm gonna kill Thor."

**Author's Note:**

> Written August 2013


End file.
